Watashi wa Teki ni Narimasen! 39.1

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Chapter 39

Unhappy Feelings

Part 1/2

I was too tired from the exchange we had as I took a deep breath until my shoulders shook. Without giving me a break, Reggie continued.

“But, it’s true that lots of our allies were able to be saved thanks to you. Everyone is saying that you are a hero. Isn’t that good, Kiara? You’ve made this achievement… aren’t you happy?”

“Happy… I’m not…”

I was still trying to gasp for breath after the previous surprise attack that I couldn’t even pretend to be happy.

That was why, I only noticed after saying that.

–It’s no good, I shouldn’t have said that I am not happy.

I think that what Reggie said isn’t a lie. I’m also glad that everyone’s saved. However, I can’t say that I’m happy.

It felt like there was something in my throat blocking it, as those words alone won’t come out.

A little while later, Reggie muttered, “I see, so you were caught in that matter.”

From this reaction, it seemed as if he had guessed it.

“The margravine’s maid who went to inform us said that your condition was weird. So, that was the case. Still, you should feel happy, Kiara. It’s okay to be happy in this situation.”

“But… Perhaps, my feelings are weird now. As expected, killing people is… no matter what…”

“It leaves you a feeling of guilt?”

I nodded at his question.

I did something I knew I shouldn’t do. That’s something huge.

If it were a world inside a game, it’d be finished with just [defeating] them, but since this is the reality, then defeating them is equal to murder.

In this world, when I was trampled down (if I had to say it as such), and during when I was with the margravine, murder was such a distant matter. Perhaps due to that, my past self’s moral values tied me down.

“There’s no need for you to think that you did bad things. After all, if you hadn’t killed, you might have been killed instead.”

Reggie gave me an excuse.

It was just as he said. Rather than thinking that killing someone was difficult just like this, I’d hate it more if I couldn’t save Reggie and the margave in exchange.

In order to protect those close to me, it was inevitable to sacrifice someone else no matter what. For someone who wasn’t a prodigy just like me, I couldn’t find another way than that.

But nonetheless, I didn’t want to kill people.

I was able to not think about it when I was frantic, but after I passed a life’s crisis, it was now impossible to do so. My body is trembling.

I stopped someone’s life there. I think I’ve done a bad thing.

But there’s no way I can remove that responsibility off my shoulders.

I can’t do that no matter what, but the feeling of guilt that I did something terrible seemed to make my mind chaotic.

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“But if you can’t agree with that no matter what, I want you to think that the people you killed were all killed by me.”

“Eh, but I don’t want Reggie to be burdened with…”

“It isn’t a heavy burden for me.”

Reggie firmly declared.

“It’s my duty to be born, standing on top of it. In exchange of me commanding in a war, I had to decide who should be killed by those fighting under my command and have my allies die as part of a strategy. That’s why, it’s only natural for someone like me to take the responsibility for it. I’m used to it, so there’s no need for you to be worried.”

I held my breath upon hearing Reggie’s words.

Honestly, I didn’t think that Reggie would have such a thought regarding wars.

That was why, I thought upon hearing that for the first time. About the notion that apart from the commander, nobody is ought to feel any responsibility.

With just one command from him, he could force an ally to be in a position where they might not be able to return alive.

Especially from the standpoint of Reggie who has to make the final decision in the strategy, if his consideration is lacking, he might even have to taste the bitter experience of a total annihilation of his allies.

As he was aware that he was executing a scary thing, Reggie said that he’s used to it.

But, I think. There’s no way he feels that it isn’t difficult at all.

“Hey, Kiara. That’s why, I oppose you bearing the full brunt of everything. Your judgment isn’t bad. You’re also quick-witted. However, regardless of the merit, you’re still an ordinary girl. I think that it’s difficult for you to stand in a position where you have to be exposed to the fear of being killed and of having to kill people.”

Reggie tried to stop me because he foresaw it.

“You aren’t able to endure it. That’s why I didn’t want you to become a magician… Even if that means I will be able to survive.”

I couldn’t refute his words.

I was overwhelmed just like what he predicted. Therefore, I couldn’t say anything to Reggie, who was so opposed that he even thought of that.

Then, the sound of a knock to the door reached my ears as I was still feeling down.

After patting my head once, Reggie stood up. Perhaps the knock was there to inform Reggie that the time for something was imminent.

“If you still want to do it from now on, it might be possible for you to do so as a magician without having to proactively participate in wars. That’s why, you’d better decide. Even if you were to continue to stay in this castle, you might be able to do something with your power to defend in some kind of a way. As long as you’re able to face down the opposition without having to be taken to the war.”

After he suggested me a mean to escape, Reggie quietly left the room.

What a person he is.

It felt like even if I had hidden my reason to run away from home, he was able to ask me to tell my reason altogether and even handed me a map to go home as if nothing had happened.

“It feels depressing for some reason…”

Even if my mood became better, it felt somewhat frustrating.

At that time, a small laughter was heard.

“…Aah, youth. Ihihihii…”

“…?! Master Horace, is that you?”

I’m sure that it’s his voice. But, where?

Translator’s Comment:

Oh no, did Master Horace… see everything?! X”D

Thank you for reading and don’t hesitate to drop a comment as I will eventually get back to them. If you want to support this series even further and gain access to advanced chapters, check out the details in my Patreon page. Or you might want to check my other projects in case you’re interested?

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