Unedited version, enjoy the chapter 1!

 

Chapter 1

My Unrequited Feelings For You

In that new year, I have started my pages of life again. I thought it will be such a monotone life, school life, daily life. I haven’t ever thought that I’d feel something different this time…

He sat next to my seat. He’s not so excel at his study, but he has a talent on singing. His attitude is good enough and he’s funny. He’s a good friend of mine. I don’t know since when, but suddenly I fell in love with him. I don’t know why… I should have been attracted by a boy who’s good at his study just like Hiyama Kiyoteru who sat behind me. But why, why should I fell in love with Len—the boy next to me?

I know his past. He has ever liked a girl from another class 1 year ago. He liked Miku before. Later on I know that he has ever hang out with her, but then Miku ended their short relationship, which made him very sad and broken hearted. And not so long after that happened, Miku went out with Kaito. And they are still together up until now, Miku and Kaito.

I wonder if he still has some feelings to her? I wonder… Why… am I so curious like this? I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him, he’s not my type of boy… But it happens naturally…  Although he hasn’t done any try in order to get closer to me, but somehow I felt that he’s different than usual after time flew by. Our arms have ever touched each other’s, while we were writing. I knew it but I led it be… I wonder if he has another meaning about it… or just a coincidence?

Also, his way when he looked at me… It’s really different. I am so nervous until I can’t see his eyes anymore. He talked to me as usual, but I know that there’s something different. I just can’t tell what is it… But, didn’t he like Miku? Doesn’t he like her, still?

“ Hiya, say… You still like Miku, right?” I asked it casually, in the middle of our normal conversation.

“ No…,” he answered, “ who is she? She’s not special for me…”

I get a hint of something from his voice. A hint that he still feels broken heart and injured. Well, who didn’t get injured after liking a girl and then that girl just end your relationship…?

“ Oh yeah?” I asked again casually. I didn’t want to sound serious or that I really ask that for my own sake, uhm well…

“ Yeah, and besides,” he answered, “ I think I have begun to like another girl…”

“ Oh… is that true?” I asked with a bit hope. Who could it be? Oh my… B-but! It’s not common here for a girl, confessing to a boy? Uh, besides is this really love? No way… It’s just that I am curious, yeah… that’s it…

“ Is she in this class?” I asked him again. Len nodded.

“ Yeah, I like someone in this class,” he repeated himself.

“ Uhm, whaaa…?! You like… Hiyama?!” I laughed after it. He chuckled.

“ No way! That person has white skin and medium hair!” He answered. Uh-oh! I…have white skin and medium hair… Can I hope…?

Didn’t want to continue the conversation because I am scared and also hesitant, I continued to write. While my mind is still thinking of some possibilities. The only girl in this class that is close to him, as I know, is only me… So… is that true? But I am scared on being rejected… B-but, what if he likes me? …Well, I won’t reject him… Ehm, but I am still afraid… He hasn’t done any movement to get closer to me, anyway…

After that, using a team work reason, I mailed him. He replied, but his replies are short. I am a bit disappointed and a doubt has started to pop out in my mind. Is he really…?

And then time flew by again. Sometimes I feel really attracted and close to him, but sometimes I also feel that he doesn’t like me, he must be liking someone else… I don’t know the answer of them. I don’t know… I don’t know what am I suppossed to do now… I don’t want to break this friendship, but I don’t want to be just a friend of him. I don’t know.  I don’t know.  I don’t know if I should still like you.

I tried to make him show any sign of it. Any sign that he also likes me. When he’s absent, I mailed Len. I mailed him in every chance I have… He hasn’t bought any credit so he couldn’t reply my messages, but still, I am confused. I tried to look into his eyes when I talked to him, and he looked at my eyes too. Our eyes met each others. I didn’t know what to do… I’d usually try to look at the other way. But every time our eyes meet, I feel some kind of funny feelings inside…

I wish for one day… that he’d be aware of my feelings… But maybe he’s also afraid to make a movement… Maybe  he’s afraid since he has ever had bad experience in his romance life back then… And this is my first time of feeling this kind of… emotions. I am really clueless. But I will be waiting while giving some signs… This feeling is overwhelming, but I’ll try to lock my feelings and say that everything will be fine. I’ll be waiting until Len is aware of my feelings…

I wonder if my love will remain unrequited… or will there be a day when he approaches me? If that time comes, I’ll definitely open my heart for him.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know if I should still like you.  I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what I should do. I locked away my feelings and said, “I’m sure everything will turn out fine!”

Deep down in my smallest heart, I hope that our feelings are the same… I don’t want my first love to be an unrequited love… Realize my feelings, Len… But until that day comes, I’ll stay as your friend. I hope it will be soon, please… And I will enjoy every heart-throbbing moments in school. That supposedly monotone school life has become more enjoyable ever since I felt this emotion.

It’s all like a dream. I wish one day you’d become aware of my feelings. But until that time comes, I will lock away my feelings and say, “I’m sure everything will turn out fine!”

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